From The Keys and the Southern Most Point While   Jet Skiing in the keys surrounded by sharks, to getting in a shark cage and swimming with them in Hawaii, to Death Valley and our yearly trip to Coachella and form SanFran to Rome, Paris and  Ireland Vicki Baby we have seen a lot and done a lot of things people do not get to do.  Baby I love you , i know i have issues , we know i have issues, but i did  and do always love  you. It is why iI am here. I had a  way out I didnt take it. There is no one  else in the world I would rather walk on sand dunes in the desert with than you. No one i would rather drive hours with just to have the best darkest spot to see a meteor shower with than you I never believed i would be alive in 2019, i never could of imagined doing the things we did.  If it all ends to day Im  good i had a full life, there are chunks of time  I wouldnt want to live over, but I figure most was on me anyway.  I deserved most of what  I've been through so to come out of it being okay with where I am and where we are  is saying something. All I can really do is say Im sorry for all of my great fuckups but most of them as much as you never could see it or believe it, it was always about the big picture, always about us, except one an Im sorry. Hopefully we continue exploring and doing fucked up shit  that p[eople wanna do but dont, My god ive drove a Lambo on a NASCAR track at 150mph , I had that car on my wall as a kid . I have shit just shit unnecessary shit because i like it and you dont bitch about it.  I know i get lost in my own projects, but baby , boredom does not work with me, When i get lost in my thoughts, I have real issues, things that   i dont have complete control over  and there are things about me that scare me. Things Ive never told anyone, ever, like sometimes I have dreams and I wake up and i wonder if I did what I dreapt and the police are going to show up one day. Its creepy I think because I know what I am capable of. I do know where it all went wrong. The perfect storm it broke me, all my hard work everything I did to amke it go away it did break me. Im not going to sit here and lie and say no it wasnt your fault but it wasnt all your fault. All of it everything it weighs on me and bury it deep real deep and when it surfaced all the people it happened to I feel like we all voicd all opinions we all wanted to show me there is a better way and I was an idiot but for real in the end it was my way that was the best and I feel like im solowly putting most of them back where they belong. Some of it I m not sure will go  away, Vicki I know I have assdisorder. I always have had one , for apparant reasons but I gained control at on epoint and even where i felkt I could use them all to do more and more. , Gut the heart attack the depression brougt up shit and all those fractures of me back with it and I lost control.I have always felt on top of that all there is one thing it was almost like the closer Jordins Graduation came the more rambunctious they all got, I made a deal with in a way that what it came down too was, I wantre dyto make untiul Jordin left and I would eat all had to eat until then to be here with her and not have you run off with someone else, in return if i could have control then when that time came they could all come out and play again, but otherwise we were all done. Same holds true with hurtoing you or the kids, it ends in all of us leaving for good.. I  have everything I want and I could give it all up all of it, except my car the challenger was  a gift from you and it is the fucking coolest I have ever owned. The rest its meaning less, the time on the comforters, on the floor, with a tv a lamp and my picture of you with a fresia candle  taht still 23 years later makes me smile.